As parents and caregivers, it feels natural to use rewards to encourage behaviour, stickers, sweets, stars on a chart. And while rewards can sometimes be effective, research shows that in certain cases they can actually backfire.

This insight is central to our philosophy at Quintessential Governess, and it’s a key factor we consider when supporting families through governess recruitment.

What the Research Shows

The idea that rewards can undermine motivation comes from a landmark study by Lepper, Greene, and Nisbett (1973). In their experiment, children who loved drawing were divided into groups: one was promised a reward for drawing, while the other drew freely without expectation.

The results were striking. The children who had been rewarded later showed less interest in drawing for its own sake. In other words, the reward shifted their motivation from internal joy to external gain.

Decades later, Deci, Koestner, and Ryan (1999) confirmed this effect across hundreds of studies: when rewards are given for activities children already enjoy, they can reduce intrinsic motivation.

For families working with a governess agency, this distinction is vital, because the goal is not just compliance, but a lifelong love of learning.

When Rewards Do Work

That’s not to say rewards are always harmful. They can be useful when encouraging behaviours that don’t come naturally, trying new foods, completing household chores, or sticking with a challenging task.

In these cases, an external reward acts like a bridge until the child develops their own sense of mastery and satisfaction. Professionals in governess jobs often use this approach sparingly, ensuring that short-term incentives support long-term growth.

The Hidden Danger of Performative Praise

Where rewards become truly problematic is when children learn they are only valued for performative achievements, test scores, trophies, polished performances.

If praise and warmth are reserved only for high achievement, children internalise a painful belief: I am only lovable when I succeed.

As we’ve explored in our writing on authenticity and childhood trauma (inspired by Dr. Gabor Maté), this pattern can create adults who struggle with perfectionism, anxiety, and disconnection from their true selves.

A More Conscious Approach

So how can parents and caregivers use rewards wisely?

• Don’t reward what they already love – protect intrinsic joy.
• Do use rewards sparingly – for habits that don’t come naturally.
• Balance praise – notice kindness, effort, and curiosity, not just results.
• Prioritise authenticity – ensure children feel valued for who they are, not only what they do.

At Quintessential Governess, we guide families in recognising the subtle but powerful difference between encouragement and pressure. Our governess recruitment services prioritise professionals who understand this distinction, helping children grow into confident, authentic individuals.

The Quintessential Standard

No trophy or grade is worth more than a child’s sense of self. Our mission as a governess agency in London is to ensure that every placement supports not just academic progress, but emotional wellbeing.

For further insights, we recommend exploring APA research on child motivation and the Child Mind Institute for practical strategies that align with our approach.